Guttu's Jokes (Updated 30/03/06)

Guttu · Last edited by Guttu on Thu Mar 30, 2006 6:21 am; edited 2 times in total

In this thread I'll post my jokes
U may hav heard them
But I'm sure all may hav not

So let others enjoy if u know the joke already

I will try my best to make

Guttu · Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:32 pm Post subject:

Santa and Banta driving on a street,in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. They were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Santa could say anything, Banta said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don`t we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Santa said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don`t I pull that out?",suggested Banta. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident.

He gave it to Santa and said, "Here, drink some!"

Santa took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Banta.

"Here, you have some!"

Banta passed it back and said, "No, I think I`ll wait until the police get here."

Guttu · Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:34 pm Post subject:

Oh what a bad day to start with to-day, a man complained to his pal arriving in office.
This morning I put my shirt on, tried to button and the button came out and fell off.
He continued with a sigh,
Then I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Everything I touch goes haywire.
I am afraid to go to bathroom to piss now.

Guttu · Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:36 pm Post subject:

Banta and Santa getting smarter....
Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Keep it Up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Banta Singh : Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer: .......!!!!!!!

Guttu · Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 3:37 pm Post subject:

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care wardwhere Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something todo with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves

what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........

Just when the clock struck 11............

................Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

pH · BizHat Addict Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 566

Good jokes thanks for sharing Guttu

indianbaba · BizHat MOD Joined: 21 Aug 2005 Posts: 9160 Location: India

first and third are reposts.
Good jokes. thanks for sharing.

ftvfatboy · Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 9:19 am Post subject:

santa jokes is a lovable one.
puzzled interviewer

Guttu · Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 8:54 am Post subject:

This is a conversation of a software user and Tech support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZEbecause ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance ofWife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!!DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported byWife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Guttu · Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 9:05 am Post subject:

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement

"Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied "Join the queue."

Guttu · Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 9:05 am Post subject:

Three Construction workers are working on the 20th floor of a tall building in Bombay.
One is a South Indian, the second is a Bengali and the third is a Surd..
Every day all the three meet in the lunch hall and have their lunch together.
One fine day, the South Indian opened his lunch box and finds idlis in the box. He says "I am fed up of eating these idlis daily. If I find idlis in the box tommorow, I will jump from the 20th floor and die".
Next the Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and says "If I find fish in my lunch box tommorow, I am going to jump from the 20th floor of this building and die".
Next the Surd opens his lunch box and finds Parathas in it and says "If I find parathas in my box tommorow I am also going to jump and die".
The next day the three friends meet for lunch. The South Indian guy opens his lunch box and finds Idlis and promptly jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
The Bengali opens his lunch box and finds fish in it and jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
The Surd opens his box and finds parathas and he also jumps from the 20th floor and dies.
In the combined funeral held for all the three friends by their colleagues, the South Indian's widow says "I did not know he hated idlis so much.
If not I would have packed something else for his lunch".
The Bengali's widow says "I did not know he hated fish so much. If not I would have packed something else for his lunch".
The Surd's widow says "I do not understand what went wrong. My husband always prepared his own lunch!".

Guttu · Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 9:06 am Post subject:

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?''

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

Guttu · Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 9:08 am Post subject:

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and say, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says,"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains really hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he soils the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides".

indianbaba · BizHat MOD Joined: 21 Aug 2005 Posts: 9160 Location: India

I didn't understand the last one.
I understood the last but before one after reading for the third time.
the paratha sardar joke is repost.
thanks for sharing.
Others were good.

pH · BizHat Addict Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 566

nice thread thanks for sharing guttu